I Don't Care. Sometimes.

This is the story of a kid named Alec and his relationship(s?) with the world of blogging.
Once upon a time there was a kid named Alec. I would say 'there was a boy named Alec' but for some reason, that makes him sound too young. He is a boy, though. And he has a blog. His blog is called My Hips Do Lie. My Hips Do Lie has seven followers and almost sixty views. Alec, understandably, is quite happy with himself. Wouldn't you be happy too if people told you that things they read on your blog make them actually laugh out loud? Yes, you really would. Really.

Okay, on the serious, I do want to address some things before this blog gets out of hand or something. So here we go.

1. I love all of my friends. Just because I don't write about you doesn't mean you're not a favorite. You're probably just not that funny. Sorry.
2. I have no clue what 'My Hips Do Lie' means. Obviously the idea came from the Shakira song but I have no clue what that song means either. I have dishonest hips! What can I say?
3. No, I do not plan on discussing my love life on my blog. Chia Pets probably have better love lives than I do... I mean, there is just straight up not that much to write about in that department. And what there is, no one wants to hear about. Trust me.
4. No, I will never be pope. Yes it is very funny to joke about. No one should be offended. I'm not Catholic but the pope is a public figure. I am allowed to talk about him and his wardrobe... that's not off limits just because I don't practice what he preaches.
5. Sorry, but chances are I do not read your blog. I know, I know. That is TERRIBLE. But I can't stand reading blogs. People ramble too much. I'm not retarded, though. I know I do it too... it's just better when I do it. But fer surrusly, I love blogging and what it allows people to do so please don't think I'm an asshole and that I only blog for the attention... I blog because I like writing and because I do think I have some things to say that people should hear and this is a great, healthy, creative outlet through which I can easily express those things.
6. It is hard for me to write paragraphs. I know. Note all of my entries that are lists (Andy Warhol, Short Letters, this... just to name a few). Sorry, I'm trying to get better at paragraphs.

And the moral of this story is...

...I don't care if I have a legitimate moral. Sometimes.

Michele Palmer

Michele Palmer deservers a bit more than a Short Letter (you do rock, by the way).

Michele Palmer is the best friend I have ever had. She is always there for me... like, no joke, always.

Michele Palmer is the funniest person I know.

• Wanna hear a joke?...
• I hate my life...
• People change...

(just to name a few...)

Michele Palmer does the right thing as many times out of ten as anyone possible could. I tried to think of a bad decision she has made and I came up with nothing.

Michele Palmer is just so great. To know her is to love her.

Sorry Michele. You deserve a longer letter but I have to go watch American Idol. I know you understand how that is (:

Do you have any idea what's coming out of your mouth right now?

Oh, I didn't see you there. Well, hello. My name is Alec. Alec Steinmetz ;)
I am writing to you today because I have something to tell you. The thing I have to tell you is this- If I ever hear you, yes you ;), saying any of the folowing things ever ever ever ever again, I think it is safe to assume that your IQ is N/A (in a bad way).
1. THE SHIT What the hell? Since for when is anything to do with shit a good thing? Since for never. That's since for when.
2. I'M NOT GONNA LIE Thank you for the honesty but I kind of assumed you weren't going to lie to me...
3. I COULD CARE LESS Cool... go care less. I do think you mean to say that you COULDN'T care less, though...
4. THE VAST MAJORITY What? Was the regular majority not good enough for you? What's the difference between the vast majority and the regular majority anyway? Is the vast majority majoritier?
5. I had more but I forget them... oh well. Bye.

Future Olympiad

When I grow up, I want to travel the world. I feel at home when I am in the middle of a mass of people. I love being one in a million and I am really good at it too. Not standing out is one of my many talents; others include basic mathematics, intermediate mathematics, occasionally advanced mathematics, comical poetry (I just realized I haven't written any poems for this blog yet... soooo be ready for that), serious poetry (like, I'm really good at eulogies from what I hear), lawn mowing, breaking a sweat, and telling people they look good regardless of how they actually look. Pretty much anyone can be good at all of those things... so yeah, I'm one in a million but I'm nothing special; I'm just maybe a little better looking than most people.
ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!! I want to go to the Olympics. I could never be in them, I just want to go. And I want to go to all of the Olympics. That's how I'll chose where to vacation; I go where the world decides the Olympics will go. If it's good enough for the Olympics, it's good enough for me. London 2012, watch your ass.

Some Short Letters

Dear My Mom,
No, you do not need my Facebook email address and password to get on my Facebook account to see what I'm up to and who I'm friends with.
Love,
Alec

Dear My Sister,
You need to get over yourself. Just because a teacher compliments you doesn't mean you're the smartest kid in a class. It means you're either in a class with a bunch of halftards or you just need motivated.
Love,
Alec

Dear Krissy Hetland,
You're really cool.
Love,
Alec

Dear ppl who think its ok t2 spell like dis,
Its not ok 2 spell like dat.
luv
@!3(

Dear Hamilton 16 IMAX,
Thank you for not caring about anything. You know, like how old the children are who buy tickets to the R rated movies and all of the people who bring their own cups to get free drinks with.
Love,
Alec
PS Your prices are ridiculous.

Dear Lunchables,
What the hell do you do to your ham?
Love,
Alec

Dear Republicans,
Sorry.
Love,
Alec

Dear Old Women,
Why are you so short? It's kind of ridiculously adorable.
Love,
That Youngster

Dear The Olympics,
I don't really care where you occur so shut up about it.
Love, Alec

Dear Toyota,
How hard is it to make breaks? Really? And to screw up the breaks of the great people who drive hybrids!! What up with that? ):
Love,
Alec

Dear American Idol,
Kara needs to stop doing that thing with her nose when she likes someone. It's freaking me out.
Love,
The Next American Idol
PS I still love the show and Kara.

Dear My Gramma,
You live with us. Stop asking if there is anything you can do for us... we are not going to put you to work.
Love,
Might as well be Chris

Dear Mr. Wright (math teacher, not Nathan's dad),
Way to waste a lot of time like everyday.
Love,
Alec

Dear Nathan's Dad Mr. Wright,
You're really cool but not in the same way as Krissy. In a way you're cooler because of your job but it's not her fault that she can't have a job so whatever.
Love,
Alec

Dear America,
I don't know what to think anymore. Our president won the Nobel Peace Prize and you complained about it. What's your problem?
Love,
A Real-life Socialist
PS Sarah Palin! That 'hopey changey stuff' is going swimmingly if you ask me. So far Obama has done a superb job with not being a Republican so I can't complain.

Dear World,
I'll see you soon.
Love,
Alec

Kicking @$$

I think that kicking ass is the most important thing to do in life. You have to take what you're given and kick ass. You have to find what you love, work your ass off at it, and, at the end of the day, kick some ass at it. You can't take crap from people; if you do, you'll kick yourself in the ass about it. Let people know you mean business and kick some fuhhhriggin ass.
I LOVE YOU ALL.


@$$ (: