Vitamin Water: From Hero to Zero

FOREWORD: You should all buy Sarah Silverman's autobiography- The Bedwetter. It's inspirational. I'm not kidding.

Now, Vitamin Water has recently released Vitamin Water Zero onto the market. I think there is tobacco in it. Firstly, I drank five of them the other day and that wasn't enough to satisfy my thirst (addiction?!) and secondly, my dad said I had tobacco breath this morning and I have never smoked a cigarette in my life. So, I would like to go on the record and say that I think there is tobacco in Vitamin Water Zero.

Also, something about the amazing taste and absence of calories does not sit well with me. HOW DO THEY DO IT?! I mean, before there was Vitamin Water Zero and the world was subjected to 110 calories per serving of their nutrient-rich water (hey, so does it count as water if there are calories in it? I don't think so but whatever...), I was not questioning how they got all that flavor into my drink. But now that there are zero calories and the same really above-average taste, I'm questioning everything.

And one last thing: Why have scientists been working on making water taste this good and be healthy at the same time? DO THAT TO A MILKSHAKE, DUMBASSES! Better yet, which scientists think it's okay to take time off from the search from a cure for cancer? Hmm.

The Lonely Goatherd

The Sound of Music was an orgasm of a movie for the 1960s as well as for my childhood. To me, one of the most memorable scenes/musical numbers/ventriloquism masterpieces of all time, is The Lonely Goatherd. Those VonTrap spoiled pricks can sing AND masterfully manipulate puppets? If you're anything like me, you don't know half of the words to the song but 'yodel lay hee yodel lay hee hoo' -ing is satisfying enough by itself. I have to admit, though, that the puppet musicians, men drinking beer, and goatherd, all attributed to the rest of the movie being a serious upset for a five-year-old. And when I say 'serious upset' I mean the movie was serious and I was five and therefore it was an upset.

I vote for a remake starring Helena Bonham Carter as Maria and the Kardashians as the VonTraps.